I'm really into asian looking animals
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
