That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
