I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
FUCK WHALES
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
