what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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