Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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