I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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