ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
