Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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