I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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