I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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