his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
