Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
