it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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