Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
