hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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