i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
