Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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