How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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