foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
