I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
