Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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