I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
