I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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