She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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