Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize