I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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