Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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