Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
