I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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