Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
