By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
