I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
smell my finger.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
is that a dick in a sweater?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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