How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
