glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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