I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
