Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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