Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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