I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
