which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
