don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
