anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize