what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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