The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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