I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
