Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
