I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
