What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize