Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm bleeding and have questions
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
