Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
