I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize