i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
