I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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