My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
