I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
