i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
