I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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