I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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