The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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