My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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