Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
