I hate your face
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
