i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
