I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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