I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
