Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize