She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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