Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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