Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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